Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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