Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
