i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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