he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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