Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
