Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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