Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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