Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
