I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
