hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
