Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
