I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I didn't notice because vodka
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
