I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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