I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
