i can't believe i had my finger in that
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
