Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
