I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
