I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm at about main and main street
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
