My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
