Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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