The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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