did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
