Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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