the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it was like eating out sand paper
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
