Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
