woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
