My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
