11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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