Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
