Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
