im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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