Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
