i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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