She tied me up with her honor cords...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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