I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
