Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
