Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
