happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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