I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
