I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
