I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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