If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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