There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
