yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
