can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
