haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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