the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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