I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
