Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
