If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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